Feel the dark

Anna June. 2.2003

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark. It's so hot inside my soul, I swear there must be blisters on my heart. So, hold me Jesus cause I'm shaking like a leaf. You have been king of my glory, won't you be my Prince of Peace? -- Rich Mullens

I have a heart-felt confession for all of you: sometimes I lay in bed at night and play this song over and over until I fall asleep. There are so many times I feel as though I can't give God control of my life, it's as if I'm afraid to. Inside my heart I am in pain and anguish with the tormenting memories of my evil deeds. Recently (within the past 6 months) I have gone to bed crying because I could find no other way to express the emptiness of the loss I had experienced. I literally cried to Jesus to hold me in his arms and rock me to sleep, and he was always faithful to do so. No matter how deeply I was weeping, he would be faithful to immediately restore peace in my soul so I could sleep. Amazing... when I write it, it sounds hokey, as though I'm one of those emotional Christian women on TV who wants all your money. But, inside I'm just a frightened child of an almighty God. One who needs comfort from the storms of life. David knew these same comforts from life's troubles. In Psalm 32:7 he says,

You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.

When I was a little girl, my mom use to sing an old hymn to me by Fanny Crosby called "Safe in the arms of Jesus." The music is soft and peaceful, and even more so are the words. "Safe in the arms of Jesus, safe on His gentle breast. There by is love or shaded, sweetly my soul shall rest. Hark! Tis the voice of angels, born in a song to me. Over the fields of glory, over the Jasper sea." What a beautiful song for children to fall asleep to. Sometimes I still sing myself to sleep with this song. As I said before, I am just a lonely and frightened child living in a world that is not my own. We are children of the Lord, and we must be reminded that only he has the strength to give us peace.

Be still and know that he is God. Let him be your hiding place from the petrifying tempest that invades your soul.

Surely when the waters rise, they will not reach him. Psalm 32:6(b)